.a date with the girls.

met the jc girls today coz joyce is going back on monday...
time really flies ah sigh...
hope the end of the yr will come quick den can see her again!

well...met fen and lyna in sch at 4 and headed towards downtown east together.
thats the good thing abt this local exchange, i can see all my old friends. haha. no la not old la. jus existing friends. =P

met joyce and dayah at downtown east.
initially wanted to have this halal steamboat thing, but then it seems very unpopular, so we decided to sit outside and da bao from all over e area.
yuhui couldnt make it as she was stuck in a meeting in sch =(

it was the usual business, sit & talk & laugh, and i mean really laugh
omg! we're easily the loudest everywhere we go!
but as i was talking and listening to them talk about stuff, i realise i have alot of unspoken thoughts.

ok let me have a warning sign first:
this might be a long entry, i wan to get some stuff off my chest.
pls dont curse and swear at me after reading bcoz i nv meant anything that im about to say to be offensive or to hurt anyone.

ok.

when u're in a relationship, the favourite question is: "eh so how are u and ur boyfriend already?"
my answer is always: "like that lor.."
now that i really sit down and think about it, i realise i dun dare to talk much about us... only when my friends are going through the same things as i am (or did), then i will agree with them and share with them the lessons i've learnt.
coz hello, going to be 5 years already what... normal couple would have gone through quite alot in that time. and today when we met one of lyna's friends in downtown east, her reply was also: "like that lor... 5 years already what more can i say..."
and i thought, ya omg exactly the same answer as mine.
and i always question myself, how come i dont talk about him as much as the rest of my friends talk about their partners.
and today, something clicked, and i realise i have an answer now.
whenever i talk about him, aside from the patience and understanding aspects, somehow i will find myself singing praises about him. how he's so good in math, how he wans to get his phd, how he fared for his exams, what was his gpa score, and in general how brilliant he is. and whenever these topics came up, people tend to compare. i actually get joked at. "whoa, his gpa so high ah...how come u like that..." i always laugh it off, but deep inside i actually feel very hurt. i told myself, i've already had a very severe internal struggle and has already closed that door, dont make me open it again.
in jc, i strived very hard to be eligible for econs s paper classes to reach abit closer to his level. coz he's already good at math, and he's taking double math, AND he easily qualified for math S paper. so he was like very high up already. on another level so to speak. in the end i was eligible for s paper, but was forced to drop it by my hist tutor. i knew that he would make my life hell if i didnt drop it, so after a period of continuous face-to-face sessions with him, i pulled out of s paper. now that i think back, i really should slap myself in the face. not that s paper will give me a very good standing la, but at least a merit also look nice on the cert what. damn it. ok that aside, i realised im forever stuck in the B zone (so that makes me a B student). at one point in time, i was actually very depressed because no matter how hard i tried, i just cannot match up to him. although all Bs actually makes me better-than-average, i always feel that im so stupid. i used to think that if people can get A, why can't i. but now i realise that different people have different strengths and weaknesses, so actually we should not compare them that way. however, as we all know by now, this society places a great deal of emphasis on grades, and is actually very proud to announce that they have a pool of human resource who is adept and math and science, and hence this is a good leverage for the biochem, biotech, and nanotech fields that we're trying build up. but do they know how forced some kids might feel? because of this compulsory education, all parents want their kids to be academically inclined, bcoz being academically inclined is what this society is placing emphasis on, and somehow they feel better when they compare their kids to others. although i might now say that i'm against this behaviour and pressure, i really wonder if i might one day end up like a typical singaporean parent. and some kids go into triple science and double math just so as to satisfy their parents' expectations. i know of people who are actually very interested in the arts, like literature, but somehow decided to go to science because "that is the most practical route in this society" or "that is what my parents want" i feel very sad when i hear that. to be unable to study or do what he or she is interested in is a very very heart-breaking thing. yet this is the case for close to 97% of all singaporeans out there. why is that so? "this is being practical" is almost a unanimous answer. maybe im still young, still protected and sheltered in my comfort zone, but i feel that if u dont like the thing that u're doing, might as well dont do it at all, since u know u definitely wont do a good job. "for the paycheck.....to support family...." "this is life". this is a rat race for goodness sake. its better to admit that u're in it, and try to get out of it, rather than saying "this is life". u duno what happens after u're physically gone from this world, is this how u really want to spend ur waking moments?
so, (i think i digressed alot) to be able to do something that u're interested in, and excel in it, that is a very fortunate thing, and it doesnt happen to alot of people. so, fortunately, he is one of those people. he has alot of dreams and aspirations, and it is not right for me to tell him im feeling sad coz he's doing so well and im not (coz i noe this is my problem and not his), and i dont want to be the one restricting him from achieving his goals. although we are both in uni now, anyone who knows the both of us will know that our paths are very different. he is like a kite that is flying higher and higher, and im just getting by, hoping that my string will not break. i understand that there's a trade off between IQ and EQ, and since my IQ is... i try to compensate with my EQ. but recently, i find it a chore to make new friends. and i dont like big groups, neither do i like to be the centre of attraction, or the focus, so normally in groups i will become the listener. i dont like to make new friends because i dont like to make small talk. i hate making small talk. u can only talk about the most superficial things with ur acquaintances, and im always screaming "thank goodness its over" inside my head when we go our separate ways; be it walking to school, to hall, on a bus ride, even passing by each other in sch, or on the streets. that is usually why i dont go anywhere without my fully-charged mp3 phone, so i can always pretend i didnt see or hear the acquaintance. so what is happening to my EQ? i dun have an answer to that now. actually i think im a very confused individual. now that u're in ur 20s, u start to think about the future. what kind of job, what kind of house, where to live, how many kids, and even migration are just some of the thoughts that constantly swim to the front of the mind. and come to think of it, i know what i dont want to do, but i dunno what i want to do. for now, i cannot see myself working in any sector, and for the positions that i aspire to work as, im not qualified. and for fresh grads, it is almost a must to start at a very low rank. and i realise i dun really like office jobs. i get bored easily. only a month or two of working in a place and i get sick of the routine already, how to last the contract i ask u? and the things that im interested in or want to do, either the market is saturated, or i dun have the resources. im sure im not the only one who feels this way: suffocated and trapped. dont tell me "this is life", this sentence does not exist. so how? i dunno im still trying to figure it out. i can only conclude for now that i'm a very confused individual, trying to find out what i want, and my place in this world.

=(

let me repeat:
pls dont curse and swear at me after reading bcoz i nv meant anything that i said to be offensive or to hurt anyone